The problem with the Olympics, and a modest Solution.

Last night I sat and watched nearly an entire speed skating race. Between deciding what the proper suicide device should be, I started to ponder why people pretend to care so much about The Olympics.

Does anyone truly care about these events? Absolutely not, it's as simple as that.
Besides the fact that most are about as exciting as watching baboons fight over a pack of gum (scratch that! that would be pretty cool to watch, but you get my intent), when is the last time you heard someone talking about speed skating between the off years? Never.

But people want to pretend they care, so that they show they support their country. But must we do it in such a self-deprecating way?

FEAR NOT, for I come bearing gifts of improvements!
In fact, historical societies will probably want to give me a gold medal.

Italy is in possession of a once-useful building, but now all they do is cry about preserving it. I say, the best way to preserve something is to once again make it useful.

Let's restore The Colosseum!


Ok, so here is the master plan.
Every few years, the current interval would probably be sufficient.
Every country sends one contender, just one, and then we hold gladiatorial games to the death.
The country's representative that survives gets to claim rights as the greatest country in the world until the next event.

To start things off, I go ahead and elect myself as representative of the United States...as well as the rest of North America, because lets face it: I can take Nacho Libre and Alex Trebek.




We who are about to die: Salute you!