You know what really grinds my gears?

I am an incredible, massive hypocrite. If you could convert Rosie O’Donnell’s weight into hypocrisy, then that would be right around the level of hypocrisy that I’m at right now. Do you, dear reader, know why I’m such a hypocrite? I’ll tell you: I hate blogs. I think they’re incredibly self-centered and egotistical. They’re the perfect tribute to self-important vanity—kind of like Jack Thompson, or Sarah Palin.

Your typical blogger is a 25-year-old man, living in his Mom’s basement, talking about how much he hates going outside, or asking people whether they think he should pull his hair back into a ponytail. I’ll give you a hint, dude: Nobody cares. Not even a little bit. It’s just you babbling about unimportant things in your unimportant life, and the world would be a more peaceful place if you would just shut your mouth, or cut off your fingers, or whatever it is that you have to do to stop bothering us. You telling the Internet what you think about the latest book or TV show won’t change anything in the world; it’s just going to make you feel like you’ve accomplished something, when in reality you’re still just an empty, hollow excuse for a human being. In short, blogs are a complete and utter waste of time, and we should all be ashamed to be even slightly involved in any of this. (P.S., definitely go for the ponytail, man. It spells “class” with a capital "C" and the ladies will love it.)

With that said, not all blogs are completely worthless. Certainly, I exclude this particular blog from the list. Its writers at least use humor, and the gods know it’s a veritable treasure trove of important, life-altering advice. And as far as I know, Darth Hurley does at least shower more than twice a week—so we’ve got that going for us, which is nice.

In any case, I’ll be writing more in the times ahead.

P.S., it’s my birthday, so please be gentle.